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The Annals Of Fuckwittage

Global Itinerary of Apology

Half Man, Half Supreme-Being
1 March 1972
  • University of Hull - Hull, England - East Riding of Yorkshire, United Kingdom (1990 - 1997)
British guy, frustrated (or frustrating, depending on your viewpoint) writer and homeowner. My life is by no means bad, but it has its... complications. At times it really does seem like I'm a fuckwittage magnet. And ZOMG I share my birthday with Ron Weasley, Justin Bieber, and Ke$ha.

I've been listening to:

People have interviewed me...

theldara: What's the strangest thing you've ever seen?
mutster101: 9/11, from the point of view of someone watching it unfold on live TV. Such a complex mix of contradictory emotions and contradictory impressions that really "strange" is the only thing that covers it.

theldara: What is the naughtiest thing you've ever done (nothing criminal)?
mutster101: Depends how you define naughty, I guess. When I was 6 or so we had snow for the first time since I was too young to remember. I was having fun with the whole discovery of snowballs and stuff and needed something to aim at. A neighbour was outside working on his car and popped inside for a bit, leaving the boot (trunk) open. So I used the open boot for target practice, then wandered off.

When he came out again, he called out "Have you been throwing snowballs at my car?"

Naturally, as a young kid intimidated by adult authority and scared of getting into trouble, I said "No."

He asked again.

At this point Mum emerged from the house and asked what was going on. She also asked me if I had been throwing snowballs at his car, and again I said no. At this point, she tore neighbour off a strip for accusing me of things I hadn't done. A kind of passive feud developed as a result.

When I was 17, I told Mum the truth. After 10+ years of resentment between her and said neighbour she had very little respect for him, so she didn't really care, LOL.

theldara: What inspires you?
mutster101: For work, intellectual challenges. If there's nothing for my mind to tackle my motivation will be minimal. That being said, I still have a certain amount of pride in my work which will motivate me to do something properly (or make a reasonable effort) or not do it at all.

For writing and other stuff, seeing what other people get out of it. I enjoy the actual writing process, but knowing that people will read it and tell me what they think is what motivates me to see it through. I know I don't take criticism as well as I should but as long as its constructive it's still a form of encouragement.

theldara: What is your biggest pet peeve?
mutster101: Willful ignorance, particularly with respect to technology. People who have already made up their minds that they won't be able to understand before you even try to explain to them. If a person is receptive I'm told I can be a very patient teacher, but I can only explain something so many times before the patience goes out the window.

theldara: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
mutster101: I really can't think that far ahead. I'm not so settled that I'm sure nothing will change, or that things will just continue to progress. I have vague aims, like getting published, but I couldn't say I see myself having been published in 10 years time. Likewise becoming an electrician.

velvetfox:Why "mutley"?
mutster101: Originally it was a fairly arbitrary choice. I had to think of a name when joining UglyMUG and Fizban (the name I had used online thus far) was already taken. I didn't realise at the time that it should be spelt "Muttley", but once I did I bagsied that as an alias.

velvetfox: Why so many lesbians?
mutster101: I assume you mean in my writing. As far as the smut writing goes, that's all I've ever been inspired to write, and that probably has its roots in typical the typical male hormonal response to girl-on-girl action.

As far as the more serious writing goes, the first thing I wrote with a lesbian relationship had a lesbian relationship in purely to wind up a mate of mine, who had definite issues when it came to lesbians. He accused me of trying to be politically correct, and you can imagine how well that went down.

When I started writing Buffy fanfic the community I became a part of was one where most people were writing Buffy/Faith slash. That undoubtedly influenced what I was doing, but it's really only a small proportion of my own fics that had slash in (apart from the smut).

Since then, well... you write about what you know, and I know quite a few lesbians - my best mate, for starters. Over the past two years I've become aware of some of the issues she has to deal with (or has had to deal with in the past) and that gives me a certain awareness of lesbian issues in general. That sort of thing can't help but influence writing. That being said, the only thing I've written lately with any form of lesbian themes in is Night of the Despots. And there the themes are definitely second string to the other (more confusing) themes of the story.

velvetfox: Did you enjoy school?
mutster101: I did. I was definitely a knowledge geek - there was so much of it, and so little time to learn it all in. I had a reasonably fair-sized group of friends so while I wasn't Mr Popular or anything like that, I didn't much find myself on the receiving end of anything unpleasant (with one or two exceptions).

Tertiary College (6th Form) I hated. People were much more cliquey, and much more bitchy. I became much more of a loner.

velvetfox: Are you dunkm? Explain.
mutster101: No. While dunkm and I often behave the same we have very different views. Plus he has a way sluttier past than me.

velvetfox: Your dream job?
mutster101: Writer, only not full time. I don't think I could cope with writing full time, not at the moment anyway. Even if things ever got to the stage where I could live off writing, I'd still want another job on the side as something to keep me in a decent routine, and as something to fall back on when my books are banned and burned by the Global Church of George W. Bush.

velvetfox: Why don't you have any icons of your face, considering that it's a nice face?
mutster101: Privacy and Paranoia. I have one icon with my face obscured, but that's all. Photos are only linked from filtered posts. I know it's probably not too difficult to follow links from my LJ and find pictures of me, but that's a bit different.

velvetfox: What shade foundation would you wear?
mutster101: Erm, probably whatever matched best. I have worn foundation before now, but I've no idea exactly what shade it was.

velvetfox: Do you know the words to Agadoo or any other silly song? (Ivor Biggun doesn't count)
Hollllld a chicken in the air
Stick a deckchair up your nose
Buy a jumbo jet
And then bury all your clothes
Paint your left knee green
Then extract your wisdom teeth
Form a string quartet
And pretend your name is Keith.

Skinnnnn yourself alive
Learn to speak Arapaho
Climb inside a dog
And behead an eskimo
Eat a Renault 4
Wear salami in your ears
Casserole your gran
Disembowel yourself with spears.

Will that do? I don't know the words to Ivor Biggun.

velvetfox: What was the silliest most funnest thing you did at university (excluding girls)?
mutster101: I locked my brother out of his room at Uni while he was in the bath with his (then) girlfriend, and left a note saying I'd gone to see someone in another block. Then hid next door and waiting for them to emerge dripping wet in dressing gowns. Didn't actually emerge until he was ready to walk across campus in his dressing gown.

He saw the funny side.


velvetfox: Where will you celebrate your 50th birthday?
mutster101: I'll get back to you on that one in 16 years. At the moment I really have no idea.

lyverbyrd: What's the meanest thing you've ever done?
mutster101: The way I treated my one of my exs after we split up. I vented all my pain at her in a way I shouldn't have done. Let's leave it at that.

lyverbyrd: If you could be a superhero, who would you be?
mutster101: Oooh, good question. Green Lantern, I think. All you need is the imagination and the will.

lyverbyrd: For whom do you have the greatest respect? Why?
mutster101: My brother. Because on a day-to-day basis he does something I'd never have the courage to do. I know there are other people doing things that may be objectively more worthy of respect, but this is my brother we're talking about. I'm very proud of him.

lyverbyrd: What would be the best present anyone could give you?
mutster101: I'm more materialistic than I like to admit, but the best present anyone could give me would be something that would always remind me of them.

lyverbyrd: If you could tell one person what you think of them without fear of recrimination, who would it be, and why?
mutster101: I'm not sure who it would be, to be honest. But regardless of whoever I wanted to do that to, I wouldn't go through with it. Not out of fear, but because the times when you most want to do something like that are the times when you least should, and to be able to give in to that just once would make it too hard to hold back next time around.

lyverbyrd: What name would you have chosen for yourself?
mutster101: I'm perfectly happy with the one I've got. Choosing names is a pain in the arse, speaking as a writer who has to do it with every new story. I'm glad someone else took care of mine for me.

lyverbyrd: What's the biggest challenge you've ever had to face?
mutster101: Answering this question? Heh. No.

Thinking about it (for a long time), I have now thought of something. When I was a scout, I did the Mountaineer's Badge. In some ways I've no idea why I put myself forward for this, because the thought of doing it terrified me. We did a load of the Welsh Munroes including the Snowdon Horseshoe. At the time part of me was convinced I wouldn't survive it. But as with anything like that, once I'd done it, I loved it.

Take a bit of convincing to get me up on Crib Goch again though.

That's only one way of interpreting 'biggest'. I'm sure I have plenty of other answers for this question.

lyverbyrd: Fopp. Discuss.
mutster101: Fopp is both Heaven and Hell. It is a treasure trove with small print (the small print being the price, in hard-earned cash). Easy to enter, much harder to leave. Very hard to put down anything picked up in there too. There is too much choice and not enough money in my bank account.

tsita: Why do you write?
mutster101: Mostly because I found out I can. I've told myself stories to keep myself amused for as long as I can remember. Writing them down means I get to share them. If no one had told me I had a knack for it or that they liked what I was writing, I guess it would've faded out eventually, but people like what I write. I guess there's something cool about knowing you've got/had/will have a 'stranger''s undivided attention.

tsita: What pisses you off the most?
mutster101: On a regular basis I guess its people fucking me over or fucking a client/supplier over just to make themselves look good. I try not to do it myself, but you can't work in that sort of environment forever without some of it rubbing off.

tsita: One wish, you can do anything, change anything. What would you do?
mutster101: I think I'd wish the wish away. That's too much power for anyone, and I'd be terrified of the consequences. That's not just a cop-out answer, it's the truth.

tsita: Unlimited money, go wild.
mutster101: Three houses. One here, one in the Lake District, one in Cornwall. Total gadgetry upgrade (I'm a geek after all). £1000/month book spending for the rest of my life.

Then... pay off all the Third World Debts. Annual blank cheques to Cancer Research. Buy up all the weapons in the world and use them to give one fucking great huge fireworks display on the Moon.

tsita: If you could cure just one disease, which one would it be and why?
mutster101: Intolerance/Bigotry. If we could all work together without hating each other or blowing each other up it shouldn't take too long to cure all the real diseases.

privateskylark: What was your first ever job?
mutster101: I had a paper round for a newsagents on Honeypot Lane.

privateskylark: Did you ever dream of becoming a 'space man' when you were a kid?
mutster101: Definitely. Anna Jedi. Anna train driver. Anna... anna... anna...

privateskylark: Ever been in a fist-fight?
mutster101: Nope. Had a couple of close calls though. One night this guy wanted me to step outside, the next night I very nearly went for him. Yes, it involved a girl.

privateskylark: Do you believe in ghosts?
mutster101: Not exactly. I've never seen anything odd, but I've felt strange presences in some places. My scientific mind stops me from believing without reason to, but as a result of those experiences I kinda have an open mind.

privateskylark: Favourite fizzy drink?
mutster101: Ginger Ale. Ale, not Beer.

privateskylark: What was you most embarrassing memory of school?
mutster101: Oh, there are plenty. The one that springs to mind right now is coming back from a music lesson to the middle of a French class, and finding there weren't enough chairs. The teacher seemed to be in full-flow so I didn't want to interrupt him and just squatted behind an empty desk. When he realised and said something everyone else found it highly amusing. Cunts.

ivymcallister: Dr. Who or Blake's 7?
mutster101: Until the new series of Dr. Who I'd probably have said Blake's 7, for a better level of honesty in the storytelling that more than makes up for the dodgy FX. The new Dr. Who though has been a wonderful melding of new and old, that thus far has managed to take the best of both worlds.

ivymcallister: What one thing would you like everyone in the world to understand?
mutster101: Greed is bad, mmmkay? Oh, and just for the people of the UK, speeding is against the law and fining you for it isn't a stealth tax, it's a fine. You don't have to pay it if you don't speed. Idiots.

ivymcallister: How did you come by your affection for the word "cunt"?
mutster101: I've absolutely no idea. It always seemed to be in common usage at school and college. Somewhere along the line I picked up the conviction that words are just words, and that coupled with my (cursed?) ability to say what I think unapologetically brought me to the point where I'm not necessarily going to avoid using a word because it offends other people. All the other swearwords I can think of have been dulled because they're in such common usage these days, so 'cunt' is often the only way of expressing oneself with feeling. Which I do a lot, you may have noticed.

ivymcallister: Tell us something you learned the hard way.
mutster101: I can't control myself when I'm angry. Just as well I don't get angry that often then. Although, the fact I don't get angry often is probably the reason I can't control myself when I do. Oy.

ivymcallister: Worst sci-fi movie ever?
mutster101: Roffle. I've been knocking this one around my head while answering the rest of your questions and I've got it down to either Space Hunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone or Lost in Space. Both are perfectly watchable, and yet appalling. I'm sure there's worse out there, but at the moment I can't think of them. Oh, hang on, I'm remembering something vague about a film called Ice Pirates...

annifa: Any tips for what to do when you can't sleep?
mutster101: Stop trying. Normally I find that moments after you give up trying you conk out. I've had awful problems in the past but I've somehow managed to train myself not to care how much sleep I get. It works most of the time.

annifa: Red or blue?
mutster101: Depends what mood I'm in. I never can decide about this. My last car was red (well, metallic burgundy-ish), my current car is blue.

annifa: Gold or silver?
mutster101: Silver. Always looks more distinguished, in my opinion.

annifa: How far is the furthest you've been from home?
mutster101: I'd guess the actual furthest I've been is Melbourne, although that was only to get a connecting flight. I've been to Adelaide, Canberra and Sydney.

annifa: If you had to be Mr T or Big Bird for one day, who would you choose and why?
mutster101: If being Mr T meant getting to drive the A-Team van, I'd go with being him. Otherwise, there's no selling points for either. But I'd probably go with Mr T on the grounds that he's not a muppet.

annifa: What was your favourite toy aged 8?
mutster101: At a guess, it was either Lego, or Star Wars figures, or Action Man. At a slightly more tenuous guess, it was Action Man. Eagle eyes and all dat shit.

annifa: Describe your worst haircut and how long it took to look decent...?
mutster101: I don't think I've ever had a bad haircut (not wanting to tempt fate). There have been one or two occasions when I've changed the type of cut I have a bit and it's looked a bit silly until I've realised I need to change the way I brush it, but that's as far as it goes.

annifa: Have you ever dressed as a woman? What was the occasion?
mutster101: Couple of times for Scout Gangshows.

annifa: What is your height?
mutster101: 5'6", or 5'7" if I'm feeling argumentative.

cindas: The hobbits have gone, where have they been taken to?
mutster101: Welllllllll. It depends who is taking them. If it's nice people, then it'll be somewhere like Lorien, or Rivendell, or back to the Shire. If it's nassssssssty people, then it'll be somewhere less pleasant, such as Mount Doom, Minas Morgol, or, you know, that other place. Now, where's Gandalf? I wanna word.

cindas: If you had to choose another name for yourself, what would you pick?
mutster101: Right. This question sounded familiar, so I went and looked at what other questions there were on my LJ Profile. I found "What name would you have chosen for yourself?", to which I said "I'm perfectly happy with the one I've got. Choosing names is a pain in the arse, speaking as a writer who has to do it with every new story. I'm glad someone else took care of mine for me."

But, of course, this is not the same question, quite. This says I have to have another name. So "Geraint", the reason being that this is name I have toyed with using as a pseudonym for my writing. But then, I chose that because it was what I was neeeeeearly called. So does that count? Or do I have to pick something completely different? In which case <random>Horace</random>.

cindas: What is it that makes you iron a shirt every day, rather than ironing a few shirts at a time? XD
mutster101: No wardrobe space to hang multiple ironed shirts. But then, part of the reason for that is that I iron every morning. Mostly it's just that I can't stand ironing, so doing it for as short a time as possible at a time is preferable.

cindas: You're given £10 for every hour you stay off the internet; how long do you last?
mutster101: Ooooh you little fucker, that's an evil one. I'd choose to do it when I was going on holiday for the week anyway, which would be 7 x 24 x £10 = £1680 which would get me plenty of PackRat tickets XD

cindas: Ideally, how many pies would you like baked for you? Is there any number that simply will not do(oooo)?
mutster101: Shut up woman, get on my horse.
80s music, a-ha, aha, alan moore, alastair reynolds, angel, anti-hunt, anti-war, b3ta, b5, babylon 5, babylon5, black books, bond films, bonsai trees, boobs, books, breasts, british sign language, bsl, buffy, buffy the vampire slayer, bumble bees, comic books, comics, common sense, console games, console gaming, cornwall, cynicism, dave gahan, dc comics, depeche mode, diy, doa, doctor who, dollhouse, dr who, eddie izzard, electrics, eliza dushku, ending email spam, ending fuckwittage, erasure, faith the vampire slayer, farscape, film soundtracks, firefly, free speech, fuck off you cunt, garbage, garden centres, geoff johns, getting published, grand theft auto, green arrow, green lantern, green lantern corps, greg bear, heroes, his dark materials, human rights, inappropriate humour, irony, j michael straczynski, james bond, jasper fforde, jay and silent bob, jla, jms, jools holland, joss whedon, jsa, justice league of america, justice society of america, kevin smith, kevin smith movies, kneel before zod, legion of superheroes, lego, lord of the rings, martin gore, martyn bennett, marvel comics, music, nanowrimo, nintendo ds, nostalgia, oohyafucker, orson scott card, other people's interests, peace, pedantry, philip pullman, pixar, pokemon, pro-choice, profanity, puns, pvp, reading, revelation space, rising stars, rofflecopter, rofflemow, sarcasm, saying cunt a lot, science fiction, scifi, scorning the davinci code, sf, sign language, simple minds, sinfest, sith happens, socialism, space opera, spaced, spelling my interests correctly, star wars, star wars lego, superman, superman/batman, swearing, talking bollocks, teddies, teddy bears, the dark tower, the eden project, the lake district, the matrix, the terminator, thursday next, tolerance, tolkien, transformers, trivia, u2, useless information, volkswagen, vw polo, wordplay, words, writing, xbox